|
The little four year old was trying to understand the concept of marriage so her
father
decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the
entrance, the
wedding ceremony, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when Mummy came to work for us?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
If an African elephant is brought to America, does it become an African-American
elephant?
------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man rings 118 118 and says "I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in
Norwich,
Norfolk."
"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Norwich, Norfolk," the
operator says. "Do
you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Snake."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he
was
walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really
special. I can't
let him get away. So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other
crabs, and
got upset.
"What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Blimey," he replied, "I can't drink that much every day."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor Doctor after you bandaged my broken ribs I keep getting a stitch in my
side.
Good. That shows the bones are knitting.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Three churches in an inner city area were overrun with rats.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the problem.
After
much prayer and consideration they determined that the rats were predestined to
be there
and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to
harm any
of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the rats and set them free a few
miles
outside of town. Three days later, the rats were back.
It was only the C of E who were able to come up with the best and most effective
solution.
They baptised the rats and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady went to the butchers shop looking for a chicken for dinner. She asked the
butcher
to see his selection. He only had one chicken left but did not disclose this to
the lady. He
kept the chickens in the bin below the showcase and so he reached down and
pulled out
his last chicken. He put it on the scale, the lady eyed the weight and asked if
he had one a
little larger.
"Yes," he replied. He took the chicken and lowered it down to the empty bin,
shook it
against the side and brought it back out. This time when he placed it on the
scale his
trained thumb hung just a little bit on the edge of the scale.
The lady eyed the weight and said, "that is fine, I'll take both of them."
------------------------------------------------------------------
What do guinea pigs experiment on?
------------------------------------------------------------------
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept
confessing to
adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess
to
adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had
committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest
died at a ripe old
age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town
and
seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the pavements in town. When
people
come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about
the code
word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the
mayor
and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times
this week."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the best way to tune a banjo?
A. With wire cutters.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to the reception
desk.
Seeing that the only member of staff is talking on the phone, she hammers on the
bell for
service. The receptionist slowly puts down the phone.
"Yes?" he says warily.
"I'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out please?"
The clerk stares at her for a second and looks her up and down.
"Not bad" he smiles. "Not bad at all".
------------------------------------------------------------------
|