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A man took his wife to the County Show and one of
the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated
50 times last
year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This
bull mated 120
times last year."
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could
learn a lot
from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull
mated 365
times last year."
The wife got really excited and said, That's once a day. You could REALLY learn
something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same
old cow."
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Q. Do you smoke after making love?
A. I don't know. I've never looked.
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During the 'troubles' a motorist pulls up at a garage in County Amargh.
"Fill her up, please." he says to the attendant.
"I'm sorry. Got no petrol."
"Oh, OK. Can you put some oil in the engine then."
"Sorry, don't have any oil either."
"No petrol. No oil. What sort of a garage are you running here?"
"To tell you the truth, we're not really a proper garage. We're just a front for
the IRA."
"In that case, just blow up the tyres."
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A man visits his local cinema. Throughout the film, he notices that a young chap
in front
has brought his dog along and what's more the hound is laughing and crying at
all the
relevant places. The film finishes and, gripped by curiosity, the man wanders
over to the
pair.
"I couldn't help but notice" he says to the chap "but your dog laughed at all
the funny bits
and cried at all the sad bits.... its amazing! I just can’t believe it!"
"I can’t believe it either" replies the man "he hated the book."
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Doctor Doctor I think I'm a packet of biscuits
No, you're just crackers.
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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make
this a
real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really
outrageous
shorts and Aloha shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and
were sitting
on beach chairs, enjoying MaiTais, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead
gorgeous redhead in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They
couldn't help
but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good
morning
Father Murphy. Good Morning Father O'Toole," nodding and addressing each of them
individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognise them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits.
These
outfits were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Again, they
settled
on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous redhead, wearing a string bikini this time,
came walking
toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were
about
to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, "Good Morning Father
Murphy. Good Morning Father O'Toole," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes we
are
priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn!"
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The farmer's son was late for school.
"Sorry Miss but I had to take the bull over to the cow.
" Couldn't your Father have done that?"
"No Miss. You've got to have a bull."
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A man and his dog walk into the pub and turn to the assembled patrons.
"Ladies and gentlemen" the man announces in a loud voice. "I bet anyone here a
pint of
lager that my dog can talk".
After muttering from the tables, the barman agrees to the bet and is amazed when
the dog
perches himself on the barstool and delivers a fascinating speech about the
situation in
Ireland.
The barman says "That's amazing! But I bet you another pint that your pooch
can't go and
get you a newspaper".
After a moment, the man agrees and slips the dog a crisp fiver and says "I want
the
change as well".
The dog nods and runs out the pub. He doesn't return after an hour though, so
the worried
man goes to look for him and finds him in a nearby alley, with a local bitch.
"Oi!" yells the man. "You’ve never done this before!"
To which the dog replies "Well, I've never had the money before".
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