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A man applies for a job at the zoo.
The manager says "Well, as it happens I have got a job going. It's a bit
unusual but if you
are up for it I'll pay you extremely well."
The man is up for it so the manager explains that Kurgo, their prize
gorilla and top
attraction has died. The job would be to wear a gorilla suit each day and
pretend to be
Kurgo.
The man agrees to do it and not to tell a soul either. He puts on the suit
and although it's
hot and uncomfortable he does make a superb job of being a gorilla.
Jumping on the bars
of his cage, swinging on his tyre. The punters flock in and the zoo
manager is delighted.
Then, one day, the man gets a bit to enthusiastic on the tyre swing and
launches himself
over the top of the fence and into the lion enclosure.
The man is terrified as the lion moves towards him and starts crying out
for help. At that
moment the lion shouts out "Shut up, will you! Do you want to get us both
fired?"
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
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A husband is poring over the racing post while keeping an eye on the
racing on the TV.
Just then he notices his baby son playing on the floor and casually
mentions to his wife
"Baby's nose is running again."
To which she replies "Can't you ever think of anything but horses!"
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My wife gave up sex for Lent.
I didn't find out until Easter.
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On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the
Englishman sitting
across from him in the compartment.
"You English are far too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look
at me... in me, I
have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish
blood. What do
you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "That's damn sporting of your mother."
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage
situation?
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Whose idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
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If a prison warder goes insane and runs off, do they have a screw loose?
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A drunk was walking repeatedly around one light pole. A man came up and
asked what
he was doing.
"I'm looking for my wallet that I lost."
"Are you sure you lost it here?" asked the man.
"No" replied the drunk, "but this is the only place where there is enough
light to look for it.
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One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal barge goes down to speak to the
slaves in the
hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen
will be
joining us today for a trip up the Nile."
The men cheered and rattled their chains.
"The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."
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Q. Why do mice have small balls?
A. Not that many know how to dance.
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During the war, people used to say that you needn't worry about the bombs.
They would
only hit you if they had your name written on them.
Which was bad news for my neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Doodlebug.
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Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One
notices the other
one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders.
He says "When did you start wearing them?"
To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back
seat of the car."
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