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Husband: Get your coat on love, it's time to
go down the pub.
Wife: But you never take me out.
Husband: I'm not, but I'm turning the heating off before I go.
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Q. What do you call two blokes holding up a length of material?
A. Curt n' Rod
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While doing his deliveries, a postman was greeted by a young boy and a
huge dog. A
little apprehensive, the postman asked the boy if his dog bites.
"No, never,' replied the boy.
Suddenly the huge dog lunged and bit the postman.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"He doesn't." said the boy. "That's not my dog!"
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If I take a ruler to bed will I be able to see how long I've slept?
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Jim wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant
fatigue.
"You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young man.
I'm in the
prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off
gradually."
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Q. What did the rabbits do when they were thrown over the side of the
Dover/Calais ferry?
A. Channel hop.
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A customer asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter says "Nothing special, Sir. We just tell them up front, they're
going to die."
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If Asda is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
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A man got up to leave during a long sermon. The Vicar said, "Where are you
going?"
The man replied, "To get a haircut."
The Vicar said, "You should have gotten one before you came."
The man replied, "When I came in, I didn't need one!"
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Q: What do you get when a grenade is thrown into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum Blownapart.
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A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, a pint of beer before the trouble
starts."
The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and pours a pint for the
guy.
The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! another pint of beer before the trouble
starts."
The barman looks at the guy oddly but pours another pint and gives it to
him.
The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another pint of beer before the trouble
starts."
Barman pours a third pint with a frown on his face but hands it over
reluctantly.
Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another pint of beer before the
trouble starts."
The barman replies, "Look, what trouble is this then?"
The guy says, "I haven't got any money."
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Murphy buys his son two Goldfish, and tells him he must call the goldfish
1 and 2.
Puzzled, the boy asks why.
Murphy replies "If 1 dies you've still got 2"
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Q. What do you call a man stuck to a car's bumper?
A. Reg.
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A party of Americans are looking round Canterbury cathedral. Two ladies in
the party
approach one of the shop assistants.
"Are you a monk?" one of the women asks.
"No," the assistant explains, "I wear this robe as part of my job, but I'm
not a member of
any religious order."
"Then where are the monks?" asks the woman.
"Oh, there haven't been any monks here since 1415."
Hearing this, the woman looks at her watch and announces to her friend,
"Betty, we
missed the monks."
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Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One
notices the other
one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders.
He says "When did you start wearing them?"
To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back
seat of the car."
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