Doctor, Doctor sometimes I get so depressed I want to drown myself.
What stops you?
I can't swim.

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I enjoyed watching Apollo 13. I haven't been able to find the other 12 though.

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I checked into this hotel and the sign on the reception desk read "Please ring bell for
assistant"
I thought "Why can't they ring it for themselves?"

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An old Indian is standing on the corner. A good-looking woman passes by, on the way to
work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!"
The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past... The Indian raises his
hand, and says, "Chance!"
Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't
you?"
He nods.
She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."
Indian says, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."

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Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?

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Q. What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
A. One of them is organized

.
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Sandy McDonald had the reputation of the biggest skinflint in Scotland. When his son
started courting old Sandy was beside himself with worry about the cost.
One night his son gets home after a night out with his sweetheart and finds his father still
up.
"Can't you sleep, Dad?"
"No, Son, I can't. I keep thinking about how you're spending money on such foolishness."
"But Dad, you shouldn't worry. We only spent two pounds tonight."
Even Sandy has to admit that's not too much.
"That's all she had." says the son.

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In an effort to spice up their love life a couple buy a water bed.
Unfortunately their house caught fire and they were poached to death.

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Q. What do you get if you spray yellow paint in a northern Iraq brothel?
A. Lemon Kurd tarts.

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If a ham is cured, what was wrong with it in the first place?

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A man who works in an office at the Council headquarters is idly passing the time of day
and decides to look through a couple of old filing cabinets that have stood undisturbed for
years.
While opening one of the drawers he discovers a lamp and as he rubs the dust off a Genie
appears.
"Hey! guess what?" says the Genie. "it's three wishes time. What is your command?"
"A nice pint of beer wouldn't go amiss." says the man, and immediately he's holding a pint
of the best beer he's ever tasted.
So he thinks carefully about his next wish.
"I'd like to be on a tropical island surrounded by beautiful women."
In an instant he's there. Paradise! Beautiful maidens all over him.
"And for your final wish?" says the Genie.
"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
And in a flash he was back in the Council office.

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Q. What do elephants have for dinner?
A. An hour ... just like the other animals.

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Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.
The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.

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Q. How do you get down from a goose?
A. Use a ladder.

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