Fight for an egg

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each
morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he
looked into his garden and saw that the hen had
laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, 'In my family we normaly solve
disputes by the following actions: I kick you in
the groin and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the groin and time
how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets
up quicker wins the egg.'

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the
balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his
nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually
the Englishman stood up and said, 'Now it's my
turn to kick you.'

The Scotsman said, 'Keep the damn egg.'
 

The Damn mistake

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A
strange woman answers. The guy says, 'Who is
this?'

'This is the maid', answered the woman.

'We don't have a maid!'

'I was just hired this morning by the lady of
the house.'

'Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'

'Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with
someone who I just figured was her husband.'

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, 'Listen,
would you like to make $50,000?'

'What do I have to do?'

'I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den
and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with.'

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears
footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. 'What should
I do with the bodies?'

'Throw them in the swimming pool!'

'What pool?'

'Uh.. is this 832-4821?'